To Plan or Not to Plan

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Good morning. My name is Richard Wexler and this is caring in America. The podcast for Caregivers and Care Recipients. So, folks, what do we want to what are we going to talk about this morning? The title of today's show "To Plan or Not to Plan?" So I talked about that 4 letter word, dirty word, P-L-A-N, a lot... it's something my wife and I didn't do. In all the education I provided over 15 plus years, of the thousands of people that I've stood in front of, unfortunately, over 95 percent have never planned. We were part of that 95%. Why? Why did we not plan? I don't think it's something we really even think about.

We are the adult children, let's say, we're 40-55. We may have children of our own, based on when we got married, when we adopted children, had children- whatever, they may be of a certain age and we're working. Why? Because we probably have to in order to generate revenue for the family. The spouse, the partner, the other individual, there's activities for the kids (like there were for my kids, whether it's sports, whether it's the chess club, whether it's the chorus dance, whatever it may be), they have homework, you may have a commute to and from work like I did. You're trying to have that quote UN quote normal life like we did. Maybe you try to get away if you can once or more a year. Is that for a weekend? Is that longer? Is that someplace really nice, or someplace near where you live, etcetera. And then all of a sudden, something happens with Mom, Dad, Grandparents. They probably live in a different place than you do. It could be down the street. It could be 3 states away, and yet you love those folks and you think about them, but you're not thinking about them every second. And when you talk to them, maybe you're not getting the total truth as to their health.

They're 75, they're 80, 85, in their 90s. We're living a lot longer. I talk about the fact that 30, 40, 50 years ago the parents would move in with the kids and they may make it to mid 70s and then pass away. But now? With medication, with medicine, so on and so forth, we're living longer. This means there's more time for stuff to happen. But again, we're not thinking about this. We're thinking about our own lives and we're not selfish. We just have a lot going on. And again, like I just said, maybe the parents or grandparents aren't being totally honest about how they're doing health wise. Are they stumbling when they walk? Might they fall? Did they fall? Have they fallen before? What's going on in their lives? Let's say we knew they weren't doing that well. Would we really plan? Or would we just kind of sit back and go well, you know, "when it happens, it won't be that difficult and we'll just manage it." That's coming from the husband, the wife, the partner in the relationship. Well, yeah, four times like I had was crazy, one time is hard enough, but it's normally not that easy. And normally you love your parents, you love your grandparents, so you're not going to just say, "oh, sorry, you fell, mom; Sorry, you're flat on your back in the hospital." No, you're going to get in the car and drive there. You're going to get on a plane and fly there. Whatever the case may be, are you really going to plan? We, as people in this country, don't really understand that when we hear "Mom fell, she broke her hip. She's got to go through surgery and she's 85 years old..." what that actually means. We may think, "Oh, wow. God, I hope she gets through the surgery okay.", but we don't really understand all that is involved. We're not the medical professionals. Then she gets through surgery, and then you're going. "Whoa, what's next?" Well, she may need to go off to skilled nursing or a rehab center. Ok, what's that? And what are they going to do? Well, she's probably going to be there for 3-4 weeks as they work with her from a physical therapy standpoint, because she will go there in a wheelchair and they want to get her on a walker. They want to see that progress over those 3 or 4 weeks and then make the decision of what's next. You're probably thinking, well, she'll just go home. OK. I mean, maybe, if Dad's still there. Maybe dad's passed. Let's say dad's passed and she's by herself and she sold the family home and now she lives in a condo, there's stairs going up to the front door. Maybe she lives in a climate where it snows. I mean, do you kind of see where I'm going? Is she going to be able to navigate that well? Is she going to bounce back and in a month, two months from this broken hip? I broke my femur, I've talked about this, I had a stupid fall off a ladder almost 10 years ago. So I'm 60 ish. I'm not 85. I figured two to three months I'd be fine. It took me almost 8 months to kind of really get back to close to where I was before. So again, the question even if we knew something was about to happen, "Oh, Mom's going to fall tomorrow. She's going to walk out of the grocery store and fall just letting you guys know that's what's going to happen."... Are we going to plan?

I think for us to understand why we need to plan, is why I'm doing this. Why I've done all the education and why a lot of people are out there doing this education: We need to inform people that it's difficult. It's difficult. From many perspectives. Mom could live down the block, but is that still easy? You're going to adjust your life. Your spouse, wife, husband is going to adjust their life, the kid's lives. You're going to go check in. I've worked with people like this, checking in first thing in the morning, getting mom all set for the day, driving 30 minutes to work, coming home, going back to moms place, checking in with Mom, making sure she was OK. First of all, how'd she get lunch? Because she's still trying to hobble around on the walker. And now trying to get her dinner, then going home. You're exhausted. Your kids have homework. They may or may not be complaining about homework, and maybe they had after school sports, maybe they had chorus, whatever it may be. And then tomorrow, guess what? It starts all over again. Oh, by the way do you have to go back to mom's again and help her get ready for bed and so on? It's it's a lot. But you're now caring for that person. And maybe you can or cannot afford to bring someone in the home, whether it's what I call "Mary off the street" that came from the pastor recommending it, or Craig's list, and yes, she's less expensive than getting a professional agency in there, but there's all sorts of things that go along with that as well: what if she can't come? What if what if her car doesn't start? What if she's ill? So on and so forth. Maybe it is a professional agency and how many hours are they there? How much can you afford? Right now it's called "private pay", maybe somewhere in the future it changes and there's governmental help, but right now, there's not. So with the moms, dads, and grandparents that need care right now, it's probably on the adult children.

Maybe at some point that somewhat changes, but it hasn't. And it's on the adult children usually. Whether they are a block away, 3 miles away, 10 miles away, 100 miles away, 3 states away. So think about what I'm saying. Even if someone flew by you, a little birdie whispered in your ear "your mom's going to fall later today at the grocery store. She's going to severely break her hip. I know she's 85. I need you to buckle up for what's coming." What would you do? Or let's say this little birdie flew around right by your ear "six months from now, on October 10th. Mom's going to fall. Your mom's going to fall to grocery store and break her hip. Just wanted to give you some fair warning." What are you going to do?

• What are you going to do from a planning perspective?
• Will you plan?
• Will you actually sit down with your wife, husband, spouse, kids?
• Talk to your mom? "Mom. Hey. Mom, if something were to happen. What do you want? Where do you want to live?" She's Probably gonna stay right here at home. Oh, OK. Well, we live in a climate where it snows quite a bit in the winter time. We're already, per this example, going to be in October. What are you going to do?
  

Do you really understand what planning means? Do you really understand? OK, let's throw on one more subject. We've already talked about work. You've got to work. You need to bring money in for the family. And now, six months from now, whatever time frame I gave you, that little birdie said "she's going to fall and break a hip". What are you going to do about work? Are you going to be running over to Mom, like I said first thing in the morning, right after work at night? Is someone else going to come over there midday? How are you going to work out those shifts? Who's going to come over there? How's this all going to work? Oh, and by the way, does Mom have an estate plan? All that stuff that she and Dad acquired, do they want to determine where it's going to go, or do they want the state to determine where it's going to go? Stuff. The condo she owns, the other rental property she owns, bank accounts. Baseball glove, things like that. What? How?

Folks think about this. To plan or not to plan. It is so important. It's something my wife and I really wish we had done long before we got the first call about the first parent. We wish we really had an idea of how we were going to handle this, what was going to happen with jobs and income, who was going to be taken care of the parent, and then three more. How we were going to finance that, what they could finance. Who was going to help us with our kids- they were small, they weren't driving and many of you are in the exact same situation. All I'm asking you is think about it. Think about what you would do if a little birdie told you six months before Mom was going to have a really bad fall, that it was coming. To plan or not to plant. Folks, if you want to get a hold of me. Best way? e-mail [email protected].

​Until we talk again, have yourself. An awesome day.